10 Red and Green Flags to Look Out for When Dating

Let’s talk about dating. I often get people asking me what they need to look for in a person that they are beginning to date and get to know. Often times, we can get swept up in the fun, oxytocin, and dopamine of a new bae that we overlook signs that the other person is not a good fit for us. Sometimes, our past experiences and defenses make us ignore signs that they actually are a good fit. In today’s post I want to outline some general red and green flags to look out for when dating.

Red Flags

1. Criticism.

   If your date is always criticizing, pointing out flaws, and putting you down that’s a major red flag. This might sound like, “you always pick the worst spots,” “you should dress differently,” “you never say the right thing.” Pay attention to the always, nevers, and shoulds. If they are quick to criticize you early on in dating, it’s a good sign that they will continue to do so as you develop the relationship (AKA nothing you do will ever be good enough).

2. Defensiveness.

   Basically, this means that the person your dating struggles to accept responsibility or own up to their own mistakes. If you bring something up, they are quick to defend themselves, find an excuse, or play the victim. This isn’t about making an excuse for a one-time thing (“Sorry I’m late there was a big accident on 95”) but more of a pattern of excuses (“I’m always going to be late, get over it. I have a really busy job!”).

3. Controlling Behavior.

   Controlling behaviors can be very subtle at first. You may notice that your date begins to choose where you go out every time, order your drinks and food for you, take up so much of your time so you only hang out with them, or even text/call you constantly to see what you’re doing and who you are with. While it may not seem like much at first, these kinds of controlling behaviors can lead to potential abuse in a relationship.

4. Not Respecting Boundaries.

   Again, this may be subtle when you first start dating. Maybe they push you out of your comfort zone a little too far, move too quickly sexually, and urge you to do things that you don’t really want to do. They might ignore the boundaries you try to set or continuously pressure you to turn your No into a Yes. If you are feeling uncomfortable with your date, that’s a red flag to look out for.

5. Dishonesty/Lying.

   This one is tricky to notice, because when you start dating someone it may not be obvious when they are dishonest or lying (you don’t really know too much about their life yet). But if you can catch it early on, it can save you a lot of frustration and grief later. Early signs of lying might look like stories about themselves not matching up (where they work, where they live, what they do for fun), omitting information that you find out later by chance (not by them telling you), or denying things that happened/they said on your dates.

This list of red flags is not exhaustive, but provides a good outline of some signs to look for in the early stages of dating someone. It also doesn’t mean that you should write someone off if they do some of these once or twice, we are all human and make mistakes. For example, some light teasing is okay on a date, but not repeatedly or in bad spirit. People may lie when they are nervous, but there shouldn’t be a pattern of dishonesty. If you are feeling unsure about the person you are dating, use this list as a guide to see whether some of these red flags are present.

Now it’s time to look at the green flags, aka signs that you can safely continue dating this person.

Green Flags

1. Healthy Communication.

   A big green flag to look out for is whether your date is good at healthy communication. This means they actually listen when you speak, open up and share things at the same level of vulnerability as you, and make requests instead of criticizing (“Is it alright if I pick the next date spot” instead of “The dates you plan kind of suck”).

2. Taking Responsibility.

   Instead of getting defensive when they make a mistake, a good date will own up and take an appropriate amount of responsibility for their behaviors. For example, if you tell your date that you felt uncomfortable when they left you behind to talk to their friends, they would respond with something like “I’m sorry I walked away from you like that. You’re right, I need to be more careful to make sure I don’t leave you behind.”

3. Emotional Regulation.

   Sometimes we have a bad day right before a date. It’s totally normal to feel angry or upset, but it’s not fair to put those emotions on your date. A green flag to look for is whether your date is able to manage their emotions instead of displacing them on you. Bonus points if they are able to communicate with you about how they are feeling (“Hey I’ve had a pretty rough day, so I’m not feeling great”).  

4. They Respect You.

   Does your date ask for and value your opinion? Do they talk about and respect your boundaries and needs? Do they give you the space to be yourself and enjoy your authenticity? If yes, then these are pretty good signs that they respect you. Respect and appreciation are fundamental in a long-term relationship, so look out for signs that the person you’re dating now is showing you that respect early-on.

5. Reliability/Consistency.

   The last green flag on this list involves your date being reliable and consistent. You want to see that they show up when they say they will, stick to the plans you made together, communicate regularly, and remain true to themselves. We want to avoid Jekyll/Hyde situations where they act differently or inconsistently. If you decide to move towards a relationship, you want to make sure you know who you are dating and whether they can actually be there for you.

As before, this list isn’t meant to be used a thorough checklist that you need to filter every date, but more of a general guideline of the traits and characteristics that can lead to successful relationships. We are looking for patterns and themes, not just one-off events. If they make a mistake one-time or you have a less than perfect date, you don’t need to write them off right away. If they mostly demonstrate the green flags above, that’s a pretty good sign you may be dating the right person.

Moving Forward

Let’s be real, dating is complicated. When we are beginning to date someone there’s a lot we look out for, like general compatibility, common interests, and physical attraction amongst other things. These days there’s a big trend on looking out for red flags to avoid dating the wrong person. While I think it’s a good thing to be safe and protect ourselves from unhealthy relationships, we also need to look at the signs that show us we may have found a good thing. I hope today’s post showed you a balanced look of what to look for when you are dating, both good and bad, so you have a higher chance of building a safe, healthy, lasting relationship in the future.