The Way You Talk to Yourself is Making You Miserable
When you go through your day, do you find that the little voice in your head is encouraging you to carry on or trying to put you down? Many of us struggle with this self-talk, or inner critic, every day. This voice tells us that we are not good enough, we’re going to fail, we’re crazy, we can’t be loved. These words are sharp, painful, and cruel. These are things that we would never say to our friends or loved ones. So why do we say them to ourselves?
Self-Talk: Your inner voice.
This voice can go by many names. In a general sense, we can call it self-talk, AKA the way that we talk to ourselves inside our head. Sometimes this voice can be positive, compassionate, and encouraging. We can call that positive, healthy, or helpful self-talk. Your inner cheerleader. Other times, this voice can be negative, hateful, and oppressing. That is what we could consider negative, unhealthy, or unhelpful self-talk. Your inner critic.
Inner critics sound like:
I should… / I shouldn’t…
Yes, but…
I always…/ I never…
Harsh criticisms
Negative beliefs about yourself
Where did my inner critic even come from?
Your inner critic can develop from many places. Throughout your life you hear negative messages from the people around you. These messages can come from a harsh, difficult to please parent: “You’re not good enough.” Maybe from our peers: “You’re such a freak.” Or even from an ex-partner: “You will never be loved by anyone.” Over time, you start to integrate them into your sense of self and those messages start to become your self-talk. I’m not good enough. I’m a freak. I will never be loved.
Many times, you form this self-talk ourselves as a response to your environment. If you grew up in a chaotic family, you may start to tell yourself that if you don’t excel in every part of your life, then you’ll never be safe. Overtime this starts to sound like, “I can’t fail. If I do, then my life is ruined.” Society and our communities also give us messages of what we “should” do or be. If we feel we don’t align with those shoulds, the inner critic comes out.
But isn’t being hard on yourself motivating?
In short, no. Research shows that being compassionate towards yourself can actually lead to better outcomes in motivation (source). While conventional wisdom makes us believe that being kind makes people soft and that being tough helps people get strong, the truth is that developing a more compassionate inner voice can help you succeed and live a more satisfying life. Positive self-talk is linked to lower rates of depression and anxiety, better physical health, living longer, better coping during stress, and better relationships.
Our inner critic can lead to many negative consequences.
An obvious one is having a low self-esteem. If the voice in your head is constantly putting you down, it would be pretty hard to feel good about yourself. Your inner critic can also lead to relationship problems, getting in the way of you developing connections with others. It can also lead to perfectionism, which is exhausting and unsustainable. Your inner critic can also hold you back from your goals. It causes you to be driven by your fears, as opposed to your inspirations and goals. It constantly tells you that you will fail so why bother trying.
Getting the inner critic to shut up.
It is absolutely possible to change your inner critic into an inner cheerleader. It does take commitment and a good amount of time to see this change, so be sure to stick with it if you decide to follow these tips.
Be mindful of when your inner critic shows up. Take note of your day and when you hear those negative messages. Do you hear them as soon as you wake up? Does it happen more at school, work, or home? What is it saying? You have to build awareness of your voice in order to stop it.
Create distance between you and the inner critic. I always tell my clients to try and give the voice a name and a face different from their own. This could be a bully from real life, a villain from a movie, or just some character you make up. If you can learn to separate yourself from this voice, it will be easier to respond it.
Practice responding to your inner critic. When you notice your inner critic pop up, practice responding to it the way you would to a real person. “You’re such a loser.” -> “Actually, I am not a loser. I’m a pretty okay person.” [It’s important to remember here to not respond so extremely that you won’t believe it. You may not be ready to say that you’re an amazing person yet, but you may be able to believe that you’re okay. Progress happens in baby steps!]
Find evidence that supports your responses. If you’re going to debate your inner critic, you need evidence to back up your responses! Why are you not a loser? Find some examples from today or even the past. “I graduated high school. I was helpful to someone today. I got a compliment at work.”
Practice self-compassion and kindness towards yourself. It’s not just enough to respond to the inner critic. You also need to add more compassionate self-talk to your life. There are so many different ways to begin doing this, so find something that works for you. You can find loving kindness meditations on YouTube, write positive messages to yourself on sticky notes, develop a compassionate mantra, make lists of your wins every day, etc.… The more you do this, the stronger that kind voice becomes.
Final Thoughts
It’s easy to fall into the trap of negative self-talk. This inner critic slowly develops throughout our lives and takes a hold of our inner thoughts without us even noticing. By reading today’s post I hope you feel more empowered to take control of your self-talk and see how that will change your life in many positive ways. While some of these tips mentioned above seem simple, the hardest parts can be getting started and remaining consistent every day. Just remember that taking that first step can happen today, and if you need some help I am here to guide you.
