Everything You Need to Know about Parentification
As children, our parents are meant to provide care, love, and support to help us learn and grow in healthy ways. Unfortunately, parents can be flawed, immature, toxic, and even harmful to their children. Parentification is an unhealthy family dynamic that occurs in many family, but is almost never talked about. Research shows that it can have troubling negative effects that impact childhood and adulthood (source). Today, I hope to shed some light on what parentification involves, how to recognize it, and steps you can take to begin healing.
What is parentification?
Parentification occurs in a family when the roles of parent and child are reversed. Hungarian-American psychiatrist and a founder of family therapy Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy described a parentification as a child “taking on roles and responsibilities usually reserved for adults,” due to a “distortion or lack of [healthy family] boundaries.”
When a parent or primary caregiver is unable or unwilling to take on family responsibilities, a child will sacrifice their own needs for attention, comfort and guidance in order to fulfill that role in the household. Sometimes they are asked to do so, other times they fill that role on their own to create a sense of safety at home. The two types of parentification include:
Instrumental Parentification occurs when a child becomes responsible for functional tasks at home such as cooking, cleaning, caregiving, housework, physical labor, paying bills, translating for their parents, and other adult responsibilities.
Emotional Parentification occurs when a child becomes the parents’ counselor, “partner,” or emotional caretaker. Usually, the parent will share things that are inappropriate for the child’s development or psyche, often expecting emotional support, advice, or conflict mediation.
Parentification typically occurs when a parent or caregiver is experiencing mental illness, drug/alcohol abuse, attachment issues, divorce, family conflict, poverty, physical disabilities, medical conditions, domestic abuse, intergenerational trauma, or even just immaturity.
How do I know if I was parentified?
If you are looking back at your childhood and wondering if you suffered from parentification, there are some signs that may help you. First, you can look back at what your childhood looked like. Many adults who were parentified children talk about having “lost their childhood” or “growing up too soon.”
Since you had to assume adult responsibilities, you may have felt that you had to suppress your needs, emotions, and pain to be there for the family. As a result, you may have experienced things like: depression, anxiety, hyperactivity, physical symptoms, school problems, aggression, feelings of shame, feelings of isolation, problems in your relationships, or substance abuse.
As an adult, this suppression of your own needs may still be present. Maybe you find yourself putting others before yourself. You act stoic, strong, and stable in front of others but are in desperate need of support, softness, and care. It may be difficult for you to truly connect with others, relax, play or be spontaneous. Your relationships may feel unbalanced and unsatisfying. Maybe you feel angry and upset around family, and don’t understand why.
Can parentification ever seem like a good thing?
Although most of this blog post has discussed the harmful effects, it’s important to look at the other side too. Research (source) has shown that (mostly instrumentally) parentified children sometimes experience things like higher academic achievement, more empathy or sensitivity towards others, resilience, and accomplishment. We can see how that makes sense, as parentified children can feel a push to achieve, get things done, and be sensitive to the needs of others.
Parentification is a survival mechanism. If you grew up with this dynamic at home, you adopted whatever strategies necessary as a child in order to survive. Maybe you were the family comedian to ease tension, or were the “easy child” to avoid creating more problems. Maybe you took on a perfectionist role to keep the family from falling apart, or became the nurturer to keep everybody stable. Whatever role you took, you were doing the best you could with the resources and strengths that you had at the time.
However, this doesn’t mean that parentification itself should be as a positive or as a method for raising children. The harmful effects of parentification outweigh the potentially positive ones. While you may be an overachiever and accomplish many things, you will likely still experience negative impact on your mental health and interpersonal relationships as an adult.
What can I do to heal from parentification?
Although parentification can have long-lasting effects, healing is possible. If you are reading this post, it means you are ready to begin healing from these effects. Here is a brief outline of the steps you can begin to take today to begin this healing journey.
Acknowledge what your childhood was like – The first step you need to take is to be truthful with yourself about your childhood. Oftentimes, we feel bad about acknowledging how hurtful our childhood was to us. For example, sometimes we don’t want to blame our parents out of respect, culture, or protection. It’s important to be honest with yourself about how your parents may have failed you as a child. Don’t worry, you can do this without vilifying them.
Identify how you’ve been affected – Next, take a look at how parentification may be affecting you now. Maybe you’ll notice how you people-please and put everyone else’s needs in front of yours. Maybe you struggle with perfectionism or being vulnerable with others. Take a look at the behaviors or relationships you have now that may be getting in your way of living a more satisfying and balanced life.
Connect with your inner child – Connecting with your inner child will allow you to begin the process of re-parenting yourself. Turn to the hurting child within you, acknowledging their pain and their truth. Promise them that you will take care of them and direct tender, loving, and caring feelings towards them. Then stay connected as you continue to heal, processing unreleased emotions and memories with your inner child and building a new path together.
Set boundaries with your parents – If your parents are in your life and are still repeating unhealthy patterns with you, it may be helpful to set firmer boundaries with them. You may find that you are repeating the same behaviors you did as a child, such as taking care of their emotional or practical needs. As we get older it is natural to take care of our parents but if you are sacrificing your own needs to do so, better boundaries may be needed.
What now?
The trauma of parentification can be insidious and silent. Many of us struggle with admitting how much our childhoods affected us in this way, believing it was normal to be the caretaker at home at a young age. Unfortunately, parentification is common and has many short-term and long-term consequences that affect many adults today. It is possible to heal from parentification trauma, using the steps above and by seeking support from a qualified therapist who can help support you on this journey. If you would like to work with me on healing from parentification, contact me today to schedule your free 15-minute consultation.
