How to Compromise in a Relationship
When two people come together to form a relationship, there are bound to be some hiccups. Even if you get along super well, have a ton in common, and are generally happy together you are still two different people at the end of the day. Sometimes those differences show up in big ways, other times in smaller ways. So, if you want to maintain a healthy, long-lasting relationship it’s important to learn how to compromise.
Compromise with me like I am someone you love.
The above phrase was coined by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. They created a worksheet on compromise that I often use when doing couples counseling. The notion behind that phrase is meant to say that if you love the person you are with, try to come into compromising with an open mind and a willingness to give in a little. Compromise shouldn’t be about what I want vs what you want. Instead, look at it as what we both want and what I am willing to give.
The compromise donut
As you can see in the image below, compromise can be visualized as two donuts. In each donut you have the large oval and the small oval. The small oval houses each of your individual core needs. These are the things are not negotiable for you. For example, connection with your family could be one of your core needs. The large oval represents your flexible areas.
When you are attempting to compromise with your partner, you can each draw out your donut and list your core needs and flexible areas. Then, compare the two donuts and see what you might have in common. In general, the flexible areas are where compromise can be found while still honoring what’s most important to each of you. You may be surprised by what you find in common.
What if I’m having a hard time understanding my partner’s point of view?
It’s not uncommon to find it challenging to let go of what you want for a moment in order to see your partner’s side. Maybe you’ve been hurt before by a partner who never allowed you to be heard, or maybe you’ve been burned by “giving in” so much to other people that you want to protect yourself.
Regardless of your reason, it may be a good idea to share with your partner that this is challenging for you. Again, remember that you love your partner and they love you too. If you are both willing to help each other, then you both win. But if we focus too much on ourselves, everyone loses.
Getting to the compromise
Just drawing out your donuts isn’t enough. You and your partner also need to talk about it. Aim to understand their point of view by asking questions and clarifying what their needs and flexible areas are. Make sure that this is a two-way street and that you both take turns doing this. Here are some examples of questions you might want to ask:
Help me understand your flexible areas better. Are there any limits?
Help me understand your inflexible area/core need. Why is this important to you?
What are your beliefs, values, or feelings about this issue?
·Is there anything from your past that influences this core need?
What do we agree about? What are our common goals?
How can we reach these goals together?
What feelings do we have in common? What beliefs or values are the same or different?
How can I help you meet your core needs?
After having this conversation, you and your partner should have a better idea of what some possible solutions or compromises could work with this situation. If there is no clear way forward, acknowledge that you both at least understand each other better and can return to this conversation after spending more time thinking about it.
If you find that your agreed-upon compromise isn’t working, don’t panic and just return back to this conversation. See if there was something that maybe you both missed. Maybe a core need wasn’t being expressed or flexible areas need to be revised. Sometimes compromise needs a bit of trial and error before getting things right.
Next Steps
Compromise is one of the hardest skills to learn as a couple. Our instincts can sometimes tell us to give-in too much or not at all with our partners. Both extremes will lead to resentment, perpetual conflict, and even a break-up. It’s important that when we compromise, we honor our own needs while also being open to the needs of our partner. When both people give-in a little, everyone wins. Of course, this is easier said than done, and you might find that your relationship needs extra support in learning this skill. If this sounds like you, click here to have a licensed couples therapist in Miami step-in and get your relationship in a better place.
