Finding the Balance: the Difference between Influence and Control in Relationships
In any relationship, it's natural to want to feel like you have some control over the situation. Feeling in control can help create feelings of safety. But when that need for control turns into an obsession, it can become toxic and damaging to the relationship. As a therapist, I see many couples that struggle with balancing their need for control and their partner’s autonomy. When you’re in a relationship, having some influence is normal and healthy, but learning this balance of influence vs control can be tricky. In this post, I'll explore the difference between influence and control, and offer some tips for finding that healthy balance.
What is Influence?
Influence is the ability to shape and guide different aspects of a relationship and your partner. It's about sharing your opinions and feelings in a way that encourages your partner to listen and take them into account. This can look like introducing your partner to your favorite music and shows, which then become their favorites too. Or this can look like speaking up about your desire to move the relationship forward, which can inspire your partner to want to take that next step as well. Influence can be positive and healthy for a relationship, as it allows everyone to have a say in the relationship in order for you to grow together.
What is Control?
Control, on the other hand, is the need to dictate every aspect of a relationship. It's about using manipulation, threats, or other tactics to force your partner to behave in a certain way. Sometimes control can be sneaky, and you might not even be fully aware of it. This might look like making repeated comments about something you don’t like until your partner stops doing it. Or it can be more overt and look like explicitly telling your partner what they can or cannot do. Control is unhealthy for a relationship, as it can erode trust, create resentment, and damage the connection between partners.
Finding the Balance
So how do you find the balance between influence and control in your relationship? Here are some tips from a therapist's perspective:
Focus on Communication: Communication is key! This means that you are both communicating openly and honestly with each other about your feelings and concerns. This also means that you are both willing to hear each other and accept each other’s influence. Influence is a two-way street. You must be willing to listen to your partner's perspective and then you can come together to figure out next steps.
Practice Empathy: Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and understand their perspective. Recognize that they have their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences that are just as valid as yours. Many couples struggle with this as they want to protect themselves and put themselves first. While it is fine to want to prioritize yourself, sometimes this can limit your ability to connect with your partner in significant ways. Yes, you can focus on yourself, but if you don’t also focus on your partner your relationship might suffer.
Trust Your Partner: Trust is an essential part of any healthy relationship. Having complete trust can be difficult and building trust also takes time. However, in order to build trust, you have to give space for trust to be proven. Trust that your partner is capable of making their own decisions, and that they have your best interests at heart. You may be surprised by how that trust will be reciprocated, allowing you both to honor the relationship and yourselves.
Be Willing to Compromise: Another essential component in any relationships is compromise. You are bound to find areas where you and your partner are different. When it comes time to make certain decisions, those differences might make it difficult to find a clear solution. Be willing to meet your partner halfway and find a solution that works for both of you. For more tips on how to compromise, check out this blog post.
Seek Professional Help: If you're struggling to find the balance between influence and control in your relationship, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist. Sometimes it can be challenging to change a system from within it. A therapist can help you see areas of improvement, navigate your emotions, and find healthier ways to communicate and compromise with your partner.
Conclusion
In a relationship, the difference between influence and control can be a fine line. But by focusing on communication, practicing empathy, trusting your partner, being willing to compromise, and seeking professional help when needed, you can find a healthy balance that allows your relationship to thrive. Again, relationships are a two-way street, and you must be willing to give in a little in order to receive a little in return. The more you are able to put that into practice, the more satisfying your relationship will feel. Finding the balance between influence and control can be an ongoing process. So keep an open mind, be willing to learn and grow, and enjoy the journey together!
