Your Complete Guide to Personal Boundaries
We all know that boundaries are important and many of us want to work on having healthier boundaries. Since humans are social beings, boundaries affect every part of our lives. Having healthy boundaries can be complex, as we have to manage meeting our own needs while also meeting the needs of others. We don’t want to give too little, but don’t want to risk giving too much. Even though it isn’t easy, setting boundaries is essential to having a healthy life. This post hopes to provide you with the information you need to assess your boundaries and begin setting healthier limits.
What are personal boundaries?
Personal boundaries are the limits or rules you set for yourself to dictate what you will and will not do in relationships. Boundaries help us protect ourselves and other people from being harmed or taken advantage of.
What are the different types of boundaries?
Boundaries can be described in three general categories: Rigid, Loose, or Healthy. When a person is closed off, keeps people at a distance, or is too strict with their time and possessions, they can be described as having rigid boundaries. A person who is too involved with others, overshares, or is easily influenced can be said to have loose boundaries. Lastly, a person who knows how to balance opening up and setting limits can be considered to have healthy boundaries. Here is some more information on each type:
Rigid Boundaries – This describes boundaries that are closed off and distant. This could include avoiding intimacy and close relationships, not asking for help, having few close friends, being very protective of yourself, appearing detached, or keeping distance or walls between yourself and others.
Loose Boundaries – This describes boundaries that are intruding on your rights or the rights of others. This looks like oversharing information about yourself, not saying no to others, getting over involved in others’ problems, accepting disrespect, crossing others’ boundaries, or being dependent on how others view you.
Healthy Boundaries – This describes boundaries that are firm, yet flexible. This means valuing yourself and your own opinion/beliefs, not compromising on your values, sharing information about yourself appropriately, communicating personal needs, saying no when needed, and accepting others’ boundaries.
What areas of your life do boundaries affect?
Physical Boundaries are boundaries that have to do with personal space and physical touch. This refers to setting boundaries about what is appropriate, and not appropriate, in different settings and relationships. Are you comfortable with receiving hugs at work? What about having friends or family members enter your bedroom? Your physical boundaries may be violated if someone interacts with you physically or invades your personal space in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Intellectual Boundaries come into play when setting limits on thoughts and ideas. This includes having respect for other’s ideas (and others having respect for yours), knowing when it is appropriate to bring up certain topics (like not discussing religion at work), and setting limits on who you allow to influence you (such as not listening to a bully). Your intellectual boundaries may be violated if someone dismisses or belittles your thoughts or ideas, discusses inappropriate topics, or tries to aggressively get you to agree with them.
Emotional Boundaries refer to a person’s feelings. When setting emotional boundaries, you need to consider when to share, and to not share, personal information about yourself and your emotions. This looks like gradually sharing more about yourself as you get closer with a friend, instead of dumping everything in the beginning of the friendship. If your emotional boundaries are violated, it may feel like someone invalidating your emotions or sharing way too much, too soon.
Sexual Boundaries are not just physical, but also emotional and intellectual. When we think about setting sexual boundaries, we think about consenting or not to certain physical acts of sex. This should also include other, non-physical, parts of sex such as communication about feelings and desires, sexual advances and come-ons, and beliefs about sex. When sexual boundaries are violated, it looks like unwanted sexual touch, pressure to engage in sexual acts, inappropriate sexual comments, and dismissing or invalidating beliefs or feelings about sex.
Material Boundaries are boundaries relating to personal possessions and money. This means setting limits of what you are willing to sharing and with whom. You might feel comfortable sharing your car with family, but not certain friends. You may be okay with sharing your home with others, but not finances. Your material boundaries may be violated if someone steals or damages your possessions, pressures you to share or give, or disregards your material limits for their own gain.
Time Boundaries refer to how your time is used. To set these boundaries, you must consider and set aside time for each part of your life that needs your attention, such as work, school, relationships, and hobbies. Having healthy time-related boundaries means you feel your time is balanced and mostly well-spent. Time boundary violations include people or areas of your life demanding too much time, such staying late at work every night or spending too much time with a friend.
How to Begin Setting Healthier Boundaries
If you feel like your boundaries need work, you should first take some time to assess exactly what needs improvement. It might be that you are able to set healthy intellectual and time boundaries at work, but are too rigid with your emotional boundaries with friends. Try to identify whether your boundaries are loose, rigid, healthy, or even mixed, in the different areas mentioned above. If possible, outline whether your boundaries are different depending on the people you are interacting with (e.g., coworkers, friends, family, romantic partners).
From there, you can see where you need to firm up loose boundaries, or open up rigid boundaries in these different areas. To firm up boundaries, think about what your needs are in each situation, identify the limits you wish to set, and begin setting these limits as you are able to. To loosen up boundaries, identify safe people that you can open up to or trust with your limits and practice being more open with them. It’s important to be as consistent as you can and remember that resetting boundaries in your life can take time!
Conclusion
Setting healthy boundaries can be a complex process. You may find it helpful to get feedback on this process from a trusted friend, family member, or even a therapist so you can know whether you are on the right track and stay accountable for the changes you are making. Once you begin having healthier boundaries in your life you will notice the changes it has on your well-being, such as feeling less frustrated, drained, or negative. Setting boundaries is a daily, ongoing practice and some days may be easier than others. It’s okay if you make mistakes or have setbacks, just keep going and remember that you are worth setting boundaries for.
