The Art of Making Requests in a Relationship
Everyone knows that effective communication and compromise are key in any romantic relationship. When two people come together in a committed relationship, there are bound to be differences and some issues. No two people are exactly alike, no matter how much you have in common. Naturally, there will be things that you don’t like about your partner, or things that wish they would do more or less of.
But when you try telling them these things, they might get defensive and not follow through. The issue may be that you are not communicating in a way that facilitates understanding and change. In today’s post, I’ll talk about the art of making these kinds of requests and provide you with some practical tips to enhance your ability to express your needs and desires in a loving and constructive manner.
Criticism vs Complaints
Is there a difference between the two? Yes, there is. Criticism is a general and highly negative evaluation in which you speak against or attack your partner’s character or personality. A complaint is more specific and focuses on your partner’s behaviors or actions. Here’s an example of the difference between the two:
Criticism: “You are so messy and lazy. I can’t believe you live like this!”
Complaint: “You don’t wash the dishes and clean up after you make a mess in the kitchen.”
While criticism is very common in relationships, it can become very toxic and pervasive which leads to resentments and contempt. Complaints are certainly less toxic, but they can easily turn into criticisms over time when needs are ultimately left unmet.
Turning Your Complaints into Requests
While your complaints are usually valid, they are not very effective at creating change. Your complaints reflect your unmet needs (e.g., affection, help around the house, attention, etc.), but do not give your partner a clear directive on what you would like them to do. While you might want your partner to just “get what you mean without having to say it,” unfortunately that might not be realistic. The best you can do to increase the likelihood of your partner meeting your needs is to be direct and make requests, instead of complaining.
Here are some steps you can take turn your complaints into requests:
Set the stage. Tell them your side of the story as objectively as possible. Avoid making generalizations or bringing up other topics. Stick to the point and talk about the facts.
Example: “I came home today and saw that there were dirty dishes in the sink and grease on the kitchen counter.”
Tell them how you feel. Expressing your feelings is a great way to help your partner understand how this situation affects you. Since a similar situation may not affect them the same way, doing so can help bridge the gap of understanding without them getting defensive.
Example: “When I saw how the kitchen looked it made me feel overwhelmed and stressed out.”
Tell them what you need more of, not less of. When you tell someone to stop doing something or do something less, they may get defensive or be unclear of what they are supposed to do. When you tell someone exactly what you want them to do instead, it can be empowering, useful, and more effective. Be specific and direct!
Example: “After you finish cooking for yourself in the kitchen, could you please wipe down the counters and put the dishes away before I get home.”
Express appreciation. This can be done both before and after making a request. You can tell your partner the things you appreciate about the positive aspects of their behaviors and you can also tell your partner how good you will feel once your request is met.
Example: “I really appreciate how consistent you are with cleaning up in the living room every day. If you can clean up more in the kitchen, it will help me feel much more relaxed when I get home.”
Be willing to negotiate and compromise. Sometimes your partner will be unable to meet your requests exactly the way you would like them to because of their own needs. Be open to figuring out a solution that helps you both meet your needs to create a more equally satisfying outcome.
Example: “Ok, I understand you can’t put all the dishes away by the time I get home because you need time to work on your project. Can we meet in the middle and you at least wipe the counters right away, but then put the dishes away after you finish working?”
Conclusion
Learning how to change your complaints into requests is a vital skill that can help enhance communication, connection, and understanding in any relationship. While this may be hard to put into practice at first, over time you will see the benefits of making requests and be able to use this skill in other areas of your life (like work or with family). If your partner is not responsive to your needs even after you make consistent requests, it may be time to think about couples counseling or reflecting more on the nature of your relationship. Remember, improving communication in a relationship is a continuous journey that requires patience, practice, and a willingness to grow together.
